Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
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To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
cat faces on other animals, a thread
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.