COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
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#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Flock of bats
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
Accurate
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
“Great, now I have to pee.”
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.