@Sarcasmo718: Someone needs to tell drug sniffing dogs about the whole "man's best friend" thing.
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@bea_ker: [circus school] "So to tame the lion, you have this whip..." What if the lion's too close? [picking up tiny stool] "we've thought of that"
@briancthayer: *mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn* Mom, I'm 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
@Thrill_Tweeter: Twitter - to help future generations discover if there's ever been any mental illness in the family.
@thatdutchperson: Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered 'If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.'