Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
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Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police