Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
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I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Natty or not?
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.