“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
You Might Also Like
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Hot Panini is in big trouble
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?