Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
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*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Ugh
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?