Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
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If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica