@TheTobbie: Someone on my street has taken up the clarinet, which has inspired me to take up the sniper rifle...
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@Audenary: Vicar: The bride and groom have written their own vows. *Everyone lets out a huge groan as Tolstoy reaches into his suit pocket*
@colesprouse: You're losing followers because you're not relatable enough. Try mentioning that you eat pizza. If that doesn't work, play the ukulele.
@realHamOnWry: I lay on the grass looking up at the clouds. 'That woolly one looks like a fist' I say, as Jack punches me again.
@Dutch_50: Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver