@TheTobbie: Someone on my street has taken up the clarinet, which has inspired me to take up the sniper rifle...
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@awkwardphilippe: [during sex] HER: this isn't working out ME: *putting sock puppet away* was it something he said?
@CooperLawrence: Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
@histwaddle: People need to stop judging a person by their appearance. Just because i have food stains on my shirt that doesn't mean i have kids.