@TheTobbie: Someone on my street has taken up the clarinet, which has inspired me to take up the sniper rifle...
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@robdelaney: If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say "Friend, you're wearing sweatpants." They might not know.
@Brampersandon_: [stand-up comic bombing] Comic: I guess I can tell you my joke about ghosts Audience: BOOOOOO! Comic: Oh ok you've heard that one before.
@matt_travelling: Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages: 1. instant gratification 2. sense of impatient entitlement 3. misunderstanding of basic math
@LostFelicia: I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.