@TheTobbie: Someone on my street has taken up the clarinet, which has inspired me to take up the sniper rifle...
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@BiscuitFloater: Pro tip: Next time you're at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper "Hey, wanna get outta here?" If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
@ericsshadow: Cop: license and registration. Me: I don't carry my drivers license so I don't lose it. Cop: where is it? Me: I have absolutely no idea.
@crunchenhanced: [ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ] Ahhhh, there it is... Wife: Get off of me!!