I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
You Might Also Like
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
Jupiter
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”