Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
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The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
bugs when you lift up a rock
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow