Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
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It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.