@NinjaFuneral: Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
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@WheelTod: Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can't put salt on your French fries.
@_ElvishPresley_: I like to stand in the corner at parties and blow on anyone who walks by. People hate it, but I'm a fan.
@PajamaBen_: *cop pulls me over* Have you been drinking? No I- *water bottle now full of wine* *officer lowers shades. its Jesus* No one will believe you
@matt___nelson: "Will he ever wake up?" He's been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull* *patient wakes up to turn off the music*