Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
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Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
😜
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?