I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
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Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
if a cop pulls u over play dead
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
doing some research
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”