My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
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If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.