I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
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My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends