“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
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I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
went fishing caught a bass
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.