My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
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My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
a public service announcement
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking