People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
You Might Also Like
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
How do you like your Corgi?
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*