@MariyaAlexander: Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
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@jonnysun: JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…? ME: did ur parents realy name u 'Job'? especialy with a last name like urs?
@DancesWithTamis: Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
@dragonsorbet: [Picking up girls] Me: you like bad boys, huh? Girls: yea Me to my wing man: tell them Wing man: he's just literally the worst
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars Me: That’d wreck the economy 5: I just- Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation