Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
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Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.