@MariyaAlexander: Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
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@envydatropic: I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
@River_Niles: Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum.. Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
@novicefather: I save an average of $5 per tank of gas by filling up at Costco. I'll have enough saved to buy a house in about 1,200 years.
@QwertyJones3: [first date] HER: Do you have any hobbies? ME: Yes! Wait, did you say "hobbits"? HER: No, hobbies ME: Oh, then no