@MariyaAlexander: Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
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@PaperWash: What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone's life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
@TheMichaelRock: My boss said to "treat customers like you treat your mother", so I haven't answered my phone in a month and I have 74 unheard voicemails.
@DaddyJew: Cashier: how would you like to pay? Me: with my good looks if possible Cashier: Me: Cashier: Me: credit
@InternetHippo: FARMER: The storm destroyed half our crops TRUMP: Have you thought about taking the existing crops and just sort of combing them over th