Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
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I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Just a friendly reminder!
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.