Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
You Might Also Like
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
This dude got his own movie?
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.