A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
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If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Breakfast for Stoners:
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
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Expectations vs. Reality