Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
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I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.