Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
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My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.