#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
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me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
translated into Canadian
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
fixed it
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”