@causticbob: Someone recently asked me, "What blood type are you?"..
I said , "The red runny type".
@KKBowls: Instead of politely knocking on the bathroom door, my kid attacks the door like a rookie DEA agent on his first raid
@Bexdora: INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
IN: Please say something.
@SteveMartinToGo: This might be my ego talking, but I feel my weight-loss spambot followers care about me. They really, really, do.
@shutupmikeginn: There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
@bourgeoisalien: Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it's like: "Whoa...that guy has a job AND owns a home?"