Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
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Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.