@causticbob: Someone recently asked me, "What blood type are you?"..
I said , "The red runny type".
@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN'T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I'VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
@Spaziotwat: [*Wakes up on sofa] "Did I...DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?"
Wife [from bedroom]: "YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN."
@CyrusOMerican: [doing an identification at the coroner's office]
It's not her; my wife has a head.
@WilliamRodgers: It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it...
@JohnLyonTweets: A friend is in jail and I can't help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.