Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
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My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?