Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
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Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?