@unravelingfire: Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
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@MarfSalvador: My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby 'crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller'
@AnnaKei26: According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the blood alcohol level is to be measured in Lohans now
@joejwest: ME: I'm heading to the shop ROOMMATE: What are you going to get? ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
@KatieBurnett: I don't get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first