*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
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I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Oh hi lol
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.