@blondecalamity: Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
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@Brampersandon_: [zoo] Hey dad, where are mountain lions from? *dad panics* -Uhh...you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much...
@hyperblastchic: I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish. No YOU'VE been drinking.
@thenatewolf: I saw an old couple sharing a newspaper and was like "oh wow maybe marriage is cool" and then the lady said "STOP BREATHING ON ME"