@blondecalamity: Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
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@drinksmcgee: 8: What's a VCR? Me: It played video tapes. 8: Video Tapes? M: Like cassettes. 8: Cassettes? M: Like an older CD. 8: CD? M: *pours bourbon
@KeetPotato: wife: [crying] "he always calls me weird pet names" therapist: "what do you mean?" me: [arriving late] "what's wrong my little hovercraft?"
@ojedge: [first day as a masseuse] Me: [closing book] "…& they all lived happily ever after" Customer: "That's not what I meant by 'happy ending'"
@iLikeCatShirts: Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn't anyone talking about Oprah eating children?