whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
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People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it