@shutupmikeginn: Someone should make a food app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurants you can afford, could call it Welp
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@robdelaney: If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say "Friend, you're wearing sweatpants." They might not know.
@dblackattack: It's nothing serious, we're not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
@slimmy_shady: I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, "I'm peeing in here!"
@LionJenkins: I measure my kids' ages in terms of percent complete out of eighteen years. My kids are 22% and 38%.