DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
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if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!