Someone should probably go check on Steve.
You Might Also Like
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort