Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
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I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice