Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
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As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable