Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
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Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.