@Thing_Finder: Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said "So sorry man. Hope things work out."
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@SomeChrisTweets: When someone ends a sentence with "af" they were hastily trying to type "A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME" but could not make it in time.
@gingerfaced: [arrives in heaven] how'd you die? me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
@Brampersandon_: BOSS: You forgot my birthday didn't you? ME: *lighting candle* No what gave u that idea? BOSS: idk maybe that candle stuck in a urinal cake?