Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
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Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.