@SlipCarefully: Someone stole my pencil sharpener and now I can't stab people anymore.
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@Cheeseboy22: When I die, I'd like my coffin to be filled with Reese's Pieces so on my headstone it can say "R.I.R.P."
@Token_Geezer: Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
@Dani_Feld: A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind. And now, we wait...