Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
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Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no