Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
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From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
This January has 47 Mondays
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
😂😂😂
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*