@juliussharpe: Someone tell my kid that if I wanted to hear high-pitched shrieking all night, I would have become a murderer.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@matsmoustache: You walk into my bedroom... I'm laying naked with a platter of nachos on my chest. You get punched while trying to take some of my nachos.
@Roxtalled: *stands by cucumbers at grocery store *feels intimidated *hides by baby carrots *gets ego boost
@sixfootcandy: I filled my brother's shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
@UncleDuke1969: Inspirational Tweet: Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today's clean laundry. Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.