Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
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wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
The cashier just checked me out.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.