Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
You Might Also Like
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Never let them know your next move 😂
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING