Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
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Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.