@WilliamAder: Someone tweeted today that they were "29-ish" and I didn't know you could "ish" 15 years.
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@InternetHippo: GOD: I designed this world with a purpose, why did u change everything PEOPLE: We— [pug walks by] GOD: What…the HELL…is that
@jergarl: I finally saved up enough money to listen to my heart but it turns out that's just a metaphor. Anyway, I have stethoscope for sale.
@KKAlThani: If you love something, set a cheese trap. If you catch it, it's a mouse. Why are you in love with a mouse?