Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
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If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain