Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
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[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
🤣😂🤣
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?