someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
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Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Just say no
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?