I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
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You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
WHO DID THIS?
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Digital security in Ancient Troy
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.