Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
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12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels