@_youhadonejob1: Someone waited thief whole life to write that headline.
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@WheelTod: My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
@scorpicpanda: *gets ponytail caught in elevator door *hands phone to stranger "Hey, could you get a shot of this for me?"
@AaronFullerton: I didn't see San Andreas because I heard there's not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, "It's not your fault."
@david8hughes: [interrogation] "What do u do for a living?" Jewel thief. "Louder for the tape." [leans in] Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.