@_youhadonejob1: Someone waited thief whole life to write that headline.
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@pleatedjeans: Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it'd be less violent & the shirt could say "you suck" so the target still gets the message
@mjkspeaks: [at airport] TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search. ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
@dadtellsjokes: Dad:I don't trust those trees..... Son: Why? What do you mean? Dad: They seem kind of shady