*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
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Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.